The Chonillarillion
by ArkhamGirl
Summary: After the BOTFA, two clumsy Laketown women decide to go on an adventure through Middle-earth. They will fight orcs, make friends with dwarves and elves and other creatures and become living legends... at least in their imagination.
1. A Quite Expected Journey

_**Author's Note: Hellooow :) So this is sort of a sequel to my one-shot called The Beauty and the Bulldozer, ft our sexy Elvenking. And since my sister, who I actually wrote that one-shot for, loved it so much, I decided to make a whole damn story**** out of it! So lean back and enjoy the awkwardness within it. Believe me. There's a lot of it.**_

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**A Quite Expected Journey**

With bowed head she walked down the street and, although she knew how weird it must have looked, gazed into space. In her head Sandra went through all those things she wanted to take with her on her journey and if she actually had them in her backpack now. Usually, when she went somewhere, she just packed everything that came to her mind shortly before, whereby she tended to forget something, but this must not happen now, by no means. No, this was different. This was important and big and simply... _the _journey.

The Battle of the Five Armies had happened two weeks ago now, which meant it had been two weeks since she could show her mettle. Oh, every time she looked back upon it, she felt so happy instantly. How she unexpectedly struck down one orc after another, how she fought alongside this beautiful Elvenking with his divine hair, which she would have loved to cut off a strand from and tie around her wrist, so that she could inhale its holy scent again and again and again...

No! She must not get distracted! She had to concentrate. Once she'd left, she'd reached the point of no return.

After the battle she had felt odd. Something had changed. And during the interment of Thorin Oakenshield in Erebor, at which everyone in Dale had paid their last respect to him with eyes filled with awe, she had finally made a decision.

She couldn't be an ordinary woman anymore. She _had_ to fight against evil, do heroic deeds, protect the weak and all that stuff. And she surely wouldn't reach that goal here.

"Noon."

The all too amused, at the same time a bit annoyed sounding voice finally let her look up. Amidst the market square, towards which she had been walking, stood a young woman with shoulder-length brown hair and grinned at Sandra, shaking her head.

Yes, Sandra had to start on this journey, but if anyone thought she would do that on her own, this one would be wide of the mark. Trekking through Middle-earth all alone? How boring and scary would that be! Besides, nothing, not even the urge to achieve great things, could separate her from her best friend Natalie. Since her 3rd year of life - after a short enmity, mark you, that stemmed from Natalie destroying Sandra's toy in an act of childish cruelty, which, however, only the latter could remember and brought the topic up from time to time much to the chagrin of the other - they were stuck to each other like bees to honey, although none of them liked honey. They did pretty much everything together, particularly since, despite obvious external differences, they were almost the same person on the inside, with same interests, same preferences, same _everything_. To keep Sandra away from Natalie one would have to knock her down. Just like it had happened to Natalie during the battle.

She had wanted to give proof of her abilities right at the beginning as well, had swiftly left Sandra's side and joined Bard and his men, though, before she could get even close to orcs, the elbow of a bowman had sent her to dreamland and so she had lain there for the entire battle. At least that was what she'd told the others. She'd only be honest with Sandra and confessed to her that shortly after the knock-out she had become conscious again, head spinning, and had crawled to the next corner with shame, where she had taken advantage of her slight build and, letting loose quiet sounds of distress, hidden in a big basket until everything had been over.

Now the bump on Natalie's head wasn't visible anymore and her will to fight was as vast as before, which one could recognise from her open, motivation exuding posture, which she adopted many times. Her cheerful aura mixed with her reproving look that she didn't let disappear even after hugging Sandra tightly.

"We said noon." Natalie pointed up to the sun. "Doesn't seem like noon anymore, right?"

"Yes, sorry, I had to pack.", Sandra defended herself.

"Me too! And still I would've been on time, but fortunately I know you good enough to come here one hour after noon, otherwise I would have had to wait for you half an eternity."

"Oh, stop hovering."

There all anger vanished from Natalie's expression and voice and the excitement, caused by what they were up to do, got in the lead. "So, do you have everything for leaving now?"

"I think so... But better you tell me what you packed first."

"Didn't you compile a list?"

Sandra shook her head, whereupon Natalie sighed with a smirk on her small mouth. She swung her huge backpack around, squeezing it against her chest, so that she could open it awkwardly. Sandra would offer to hold something, if she didn't know that her friend would decline that like always, so she just watched her bite her lip, working through the innards of her luggage, before taking out a piece of paper.

"So... There we have a lot of provisions, mainly meat, because... of reasons..., warrior food, you know, ink, feather and notebook for me, then a few blankets..."

"Blankets! Totally forgot about them!"

"It's alright, I've got enough for both of us, but you'll carry your own. Then a few herbs, my weapon here..." She gently patted the hilt of the curved sword at her hip without looking up from her list.

Though, before she could continue, Sandra interrupted her: "Wait, _this_ is your weapon?!"

Natalie gave her a look of confusion. "Yes, why?"

Sandra almost raised her brows to the sky. "This is an elven blade! Where did you get it from?!"

"Lay about the ground."

"Then it belonged to an elf. A dead elf, probably."

"Yeah, and?"

"You stole it from him, you monster!"

"If he's dead he won't want it back anyway!"

"Disrespectful."

Natalie narrowed her eyes to slits and lifted her hand to her side, implying a slap. "You, you, you shut up, or I'll make you!" Both laughed shortly, before Natalie added in calmer tone: "You're happy with your cute axe anyway, aren't you? How did you call it again? The smasher?"

"Hey hey, 'cute axe' is an insult for the _dasher_! Remember the name, it will go down in history!"

"Sure... Does my sword need a name as well? I mean, elves always give their weapons names, don't they? But where should I know from what this here is called? I don't dare to give it a name, if it may has one already. Perhaps, it will get furious then... and kills us while we're asleep..."

"... There's clearly something wrong with your imagination."

Natalie giggled, but then looked up in the air with widened eyes. Sandra knew this was her 'What was I going to say'-face, which was why she didn't make a sound until her counterpart seemed to relax again. "Ah yes, so, what did you decide for? Where do you want to go exactly?"

"Well, I thought that was settled, since you had this... idea."

Natalie grinned at Sandra. "That means we'll visit your crush in Mirkwood and ask him if he wants us as his warriors?" Her friend looked away, trying hide a smirk, which didn't work in the slightest, making Natalie squeak. "Oh, I can't wait to see him! Is he really as pretty as you described him?"

Sandra closed her eyes, almost pressed the words out of her lungs. "Even prettier."

The shorter one laughed. "Well then, I'm looking forward to it. How do we get to Mirkwood?"

All of a sudden the assurance in Sandra's expression faded. "I thought _you_ knew how to get there?"

"Where should _I_ know that from?"

"Dunno. You read. You write. You're clever. You _have_ to know!"

"Well, I don't. And judging from your confusion, you also have no clue how to get there."

Sandra fell silent, which was enough confirmation.

Natalie let out a deep sigh, talking in a very whiny voice that would annoy anyone except her friend. "I don't want to ask anybody here for a damn map. They'll get curious and people want to join us and I don't like people..."

Silence spread over the two, while they were brooding on finding a solution for their problem, whereat all those noises of the market were of little help.

There Natalie's expression lit up again. "We could ask the dwarves!"

Sandra frowned. "You want us to ask the dwarves in Erebor how to get to the Elvenking? Isn't that a bit unproper? Like, they're not the best buddies..."

"No, we'll ask them for a map. Of all Middle-earth. Maybe they're up for negotiations, if we talk to them nicely."

"Oh, yes, sounds good. But you do the talking."

"Sandra..." When she grabbed the arm of her friend, Natalie's voice suddenly sounded constrained, as if she had to suppress an outburst of happiness with all her might. "You do realise that we're about to go on a huge adventure, the greatest adventure we will experience in our lives?"

Sandra beamed with joy. "Yeeeeah, I'm so happy!"

The smile on Natalie's lips grew even bigger, which looked a bit scary. "WE'RE GOING ON AN ADVENTURE!", she shouted and suddenly everyone at the market square turned to them.

Sandra wanted to tell Natalie to stop yelling like crazy, but wasn't able to bring forth a word due to all that laughter she burst in. Her brown-haired friend, however, didn't seem embarressed at all, turned to the inhabitants of Dale, her chest swelled with pride and her hand on the sword's hilt, declaring loudly: "Yes, you heard right, Sandra and I will leave you. Whilst you pursue your boring lives, we will fight evil, make friends with elves and dwarves and other creatures. We will see things you didn't even dare to dream of and if we ever come back, we will have become living legends already and you, that you stand here, have the privilege of being present at the beginning of our glorious story. So, farewell, people of Dale!"

In an exhuberant gesture she closed her eyes, threw her head back and spread her arms out, whereby she smacked the back of her hand against Sandra's chin, which made her stumble and trip over a box. Shocked, she turned to her friend and helped her up, at which both exploded with laughter in the attempt to bridge the embarrassment, but they failed miserably. The people at the market kept staring at them with unimpressed faces, while they hastened over to the next alley and disappeared around the corner.

"Why's leaving never as awesome as I imagine?!", Natalie whispered in a desperate tone, letting her cold hands wander all over her red face.

"_I_ wanted to sneak away, but, of course, _you_ had to deliver a whole speech!"

"I just want them to know how great we are! But I guess I can say good-bye to that after such a performance..."

"Oh, Lady Obvious!"

"Oh, come on! _You_ fell!"

"Because of_ you_!"

"It's not my fault your balance is crap!"

Shifting the blame for their failure on each other, they went away and left Dale and their entire previous life behind.


	2. Welcome to Erebor

**Welcome to Erebor**

Already in advance they had known that this realm of the dwarves was big - of course it was, it caved a mountain... a _mountain_ \- but standing in it now, even if it's the entrance only, let Sandra's and Natalie's jaw drop almost to the floor. Douzens of pillars, which were higher than every tower they had ever seen in their lives, were lined up through the vast hall, on whose sides boulders over boulders piled in countless heaps. Remains of Smaug's entering, obviously.

After a long moment of gaping, Sandra slightly bent down to her friend. "You think with their huge constructions the dwarves want to compensate for anything?"

Natalie shrugged, her widened eyes still fixed to the ceiling. Then she understood and giggled, but cringed immediately afterwards, since the repercussion of her laughter was louder than she'd thought.

"Where are they actually?", Sandra whispered, anxious for her voice staying with only the two of them.

Natalie wrinkled her nose and took a look around, shaking her head. She considered whether the thought that had just crossed her mind was not a dumb idea, but since she knew that she had difficulty with actual considering in the presence of others and that it could take an eternity, she summarily decided to act. "HELLOO!", she shouted, making her companion wince.

Her voice still resounded around them, as Sandra was finally able to take a deep breath and say: "Are you crazy? Why, Natalie, why?", before she wheezily chuckled, embarressed by her own shock.

The sudden sound of heavy steps let them fall completely silent. The causer could be right around the corner or still some halls away, with this echo it was barely distinguishable.

"Wanna hide?", Sandra asked as neutral as possible, since the dull rumbling frightened her more than she'd like to admit.

"No, we'll stay here." But Natalie also heard her own heart pound in her ears out of fear, desperately trying to make her expression look resolute and open, at which she failed miserably. Her face rather resembled the one of a baby, just about to give its mother a nappy present.

The steps clearly came closer and suddenly all fear was gone, when they saw the dwarf come around the pillar and stomp towards them. He had white hair that framed his face like a fluffy mane, a bulbous nose which miraculously didn't disturb his field of view and, above all, the warmest, inviting and simply nicest smile the two of them could have ever imagined. They'd already seen him in Laketown. To their knowledge he'd been part of Thorin Oakenshield's company, but as much as they endeavoured to imagine him as warrior, so that they could give him an appropriate look, it didn't work. He was just too _cuddly_.

"Hello.", was his friendly greeting, as he came to a stand in front of them. He interlaced his fingers at his stomach, clamping his long beard thereby, which looked so cute that Natalie had to squeeze Sandra's arm. "What are two lovely ladies of Dale doing here under the mountain?" He eyed them shortly, raising his bushy brows. "... two _armed_ ladies..."

For a moment none of them said a word, just gave the dwarf a look of astonishment. Then Natalie inhaled noisily. "Oh!" Her and Sandra reached for their weapons as if they had just noticed them, tipped on their foreheads and exchanged a look that said 'You also forgot about it!'. "No, no, we only carry them with us to defend ourselves.", the shorter one explained, wildly gesticulating with her hands, while Sandra nodded her approval. Then the first one paused and added swiftly: "Not against you, of course! Men and dwarves get along well again, right?"

As if to confirm the dwarf's smile grew a bit bigger, which lifted his cheeks in such an extent that both young women would love to poke them.

"We...", Natalie began once again, glancing at Sandra, who stubbornly kept looking at their counterpart, whereby she signalised that she would certainly not take over at this crucial point of the conversation - 'Fuck. You.', the shorter one tried to tell her through thoughts - and continued. "We came to ask for your help. I mean, we two only, not the Dale-people in general." She glanced up in the air, considering if one could say it that way and nodded then, contented with her choice of words.

"What can we do for you?" The dwarf seemed surprised.

"We need a map. Of all Middle-earth, if you have got one of those."

"Why? Don't your people have any?"

"Well, we don't know actually... You know, the thing is that... well... we didn't ask them..."

The bearded one kept quiet, just gave them a questioning look.

"The other humans... well..."

"They don't like us, because _someone_ insulted them, as we left for our journey.", Sandra took up the thread eventually.

The dwarf obviously didn't bother this negative detail to his visitors, on the contrary, he seemed amused. "Well then, I understand why you left. And I am sure we have a map to spare."

The faces of the two lit up and Natalie instantly began to rummage about her pockets. "Oh, thank you! Is a piece of bronze enough?"

He, however, made her pause with a refusing gesture. "Don't! Stop it, dear! We have enough wealth within these walls. You can have the map for free." He barely noticed their little outburst of euphoria, as he looked past them, a bit of concern in his expression. "Nevertheless, I'd strongly recommend you to wait with your journey one more night. The orcs may be banished for now, but there are other bad creatures lurking in the dark."

He pointed behind them and as they saw the dusk falling, Sandra and Natalie slouched their shoulders. They would only be too pleased to head out this very day, but winter, at which days decrease in length more and more, upset their plans.

"I guess... we would overdo things if we asked you for accommodation for tonight?", Natalie said hesitantly. Before the dwarf had the chance to reply, she continued with her whiny voice: "We don't want to go back! They'll think we got scared and gave up and will laugh at us!"

The warm smile returned to their counterpart's face. "It should not pose a problem to house two young adventurers for one night. Come, I'll introduce you to King Dain and the others."

When he went off, neither of them hesitated a second to follow him.

"Thank you so much! You dwarves are so hospitable!"

"Good that someone realises that at last. I am Balin, by the way. And what are your names?"

"I'm Natalie. Pleased to meet you, Mr. Balin."

"And my name's Sandra."

Walking, Balin gave them another smile, before a shadow was cast over his face. "Unfortunately, the mood here is still dim, because of... the loss of ours. So, please, do not expect too many fair words." Since they didn't know what to say - the two had the feeling that they should try to comfort this adorable dwarf, though, they were terrible in such things - they simply kept quiet, just looked down to the ground in a sad way. But there Balin's tone got happier again, lifting their spirits. "Who knows, you seem to be two funny young women. Perhaps you manage to bring mirth back to these halls."

"Gladly!" Natalie looked at her friend, beaming with joy. "We'll make it. This is gonna beeee..."

With one voice they pressed out the words: "EASY PEASY LEMON SQUEEZY!" and exploded with laughter.

Balin looked straightforward and shook his head, smirking. "Other beings, other manners, I presume..."


	3. Over the Table and Under the Table

**_Author's Note: I am sooo sorry this update took so long, but I finally got registered at the Vienna Filmacademy! :D So HERE'S THE NEW CHAP OF THE CHONILLARILLION! ENJOY!_**

**_R&amp;R please! :)_**

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**Over the Table and Under the Table**

One should think that in the middle of a mountain where all walls are made solely of stone it would be cold everywhere, but even in the most remote of corners of the narrow corridor Balin was guiding the two of them just now, they felt like wrapped in thick blankets thanks to the warmth that prevailed there. Their cheeks even assumed a rosy color, which Sandra wasn't fond of at all and therefore tried to hide it by swiping over her cheeks, making it worse in the process, while Natalie wore her reddened cheeks with pride and even accentuated them with a cute smile. That's why the cold in the atmosphere that was prevalent in the hall they then entered hit them like a punch in the face.

"Maybe not so much easy peasy after all.", Natalie whispered in the direction of her friend, desparately trying to keep the smile on her lips, as the many dwarves suddenly fell silent and looked up to them.

It was dozens, sitting here at long tables, with countless plates full of meat and something that looked like some kind of stew or soup in front of them. Those were probably all the surviving dwarves of the battle, and they were not even that many, considering the fact that at the beginning, when Sandra watched the course of the fight from the wall, it had looked like there were hundreds. The marred mood was thus by all means justified.

Nevertheless, Balin tried to put on a cheerful face. "My friends..." His loud voice cut through the silence in the hall. "... these two ladies are Sandra and Natalie."

Both waved in an embarressed manner.

"They are young travellers from Dale, who King Dain just granted to reside here for one night. So treat them with dignity and respect and welcome them in our wonderful home!"

For a few more moments noone moved, so that the two already began to believe that their presence displeased the dwarves, but then they turned away from them, simply attended to their meal.

"Well..." Balin looked at them, his brows raised. "... being ignored means having a quiet evening at least." With the words "Enjoy your meal" he bowed slightly and trudged away towards the tables.

Sandra was about to follow him, when Natalie caught her by her arm. "I think he wants to eat without us for now." She glanced through the hall, as they got under way, in search of two vacant seats. "Look at all those sad faces... You think each of them lost somebody in this battle?"

"Mhm. Or it's because of Thorin."

"Right." Her voice adopted a whiny tone. "I don't want everyone around me to be sad! You know what? Today we set ourselves to make these dwarves laugh! At least some of them." Natalie narrowed her eyes to slits, signalising her friend that she was brooding over it. "We should split, increase our chances to make it."

Sandra raised her brows. "Certainly. Not. Do you have an idea how odd and suspicious it'd be, if we, the strangers here, sat apart from each other?"

The smaller one smirked. "You're just afraid of being alone among strangers."

"Sh...", Sandra hissed in reply. Then she spotted something behind her friend and nodded towards it. "Look, there's free space." Before Natalie could walk there, the taller one held her back. "Listen, you're used to talk a lot with new people and you know that it doesn't bug me normally - nothing you do ever bugs me really - but I'm not sure, if they would want that now. Just promise that if it doesn't work, we'll drop it and go to sleep."

"Are you tired already?", her counterpart asked in surprise.

"Only a bit. The mood kind of bums me out."

Natalie smiled. "And that is what we're going to change. Don't worry, I won't overdo it. I promise." She turned to the vacant seats again. "I'll just be my weirdo-self."

The seating surface of the chairs here were wider than usual and there weren't any armrests, simply fitting for the straddle-legged posture of dwarves, which Natalie noticed in sitting down, and instantly tried to imitate for the sake of affiliation, wherefore she got a shake of the head of her friend and gave it a miss. Balin was sitting a few chairs away, giving the two of them a smile, before attending to his stew-soup-thing. Next to him a giant of a dwarf was eating, standing probably as tall as Natalie, which meant quite short in men-measurements, but imposing for dwarves - Sandra wondered if he was called Mr. Erebor, the mountain under the mountain, which she told her friend in an amused tone immediately and which was answered with blinking and the sentence "You're dead to me." - and opposite to him some more, who they identified as former members of Thorin's company. One of them was the one opposite to Natalie, scribbling into some thick notebook instead of eating, which caught the smaller one's attenion at once.

"Uh, excuse me?"

Round-eyed the dwarf, who appeared to be younger than the others due to the shortness of his beard, looked up.

Natalie gave him a charming smile. "You've got some beautiful notebook there."

"Uhm... Thank you...", he replied restrainedly.

"I looove leather-bound books. The paper in them always smells so incredibly good!", Natalie continued in an enthusiastic tone. "And you also seem to write plenty, I mean, more than half is already used!" She pointed at the object in his hands, whose pages on the left looked as good as new, whereas the ones on the right were worn.

"Yes...", the dwarf brought forth, seeking help in his grey-haired seatmate, who had followed the conversation munching and who gave him the sign to keep speaking with a nod towards Natalie. So the young dwarf turned to her again and hesitantly said: "I... try to describe what I see and experience during my journeys..."

Although he didn't consider it possible, the expression of his counterpart lit up even more. "Really? So do I!" Her hand waved about, almost stumbling over her own swiftly spoken words. "I mean, I haven't been on an actual journey so far, but I wrote about the dragon attack and how Sandra fought in the battle and such. May I have a look?" She took a notebook out of her bag. "Of course you may flip through mine as well! Even though I doubt it's anywhere near as interesting as yours..."

There curiosity and joy flashed up in the eyes of the dwarf and they widened slightly at the sight of the dark red leather the book in Natalie's hands was bound in. From one second to the other, he seemed like a different person, when he exclaimed "Oh yes!", shoving his notebook over the table and greedily grabbing hers, beginning to read in an instant.

"I am Natalie by the way, although Balin already introduced me.", she laughed, holding her hand out to him, which he only noticed a moment later.

"Ori.", he quickly said with a smile on his kind looking face, before concentrating on the words written with black ink, just like Natalie, even if she wasn't able to understand those runic characters, which was why she rather directed her attention to some sketches.

"You fought in the battle?", a deep voice sounded suddenly and Sandra turned to Mr. Erebor, who was squinting at her. "You? A woman?"

A grin spread over Sandra's full lips, as she leant back, her chest swelling with pride. "Yup, I did. Even alongside-" She paused, decided against mentioning the Elvenking in her story and continued: "- alsongside the other warriors of Laketown. And I have to say that I outclassed quite a few males in doing so."

For a long while this colossus of a dwarf simply stared at her, slowly giving Sandra the collywobbles, however, she did her best to maintain her smirk and relaxed posture. From the corner of her eye - she definitely wouldn't look away, not even blink, even if her eyes started to burn, damn it, she would win this staring contest - she noticed Balin looking back and forth between the two.

Then the mountain under the mountain raised his voice again: "Where did you learn how to fight?"

"My father taught me a bit when I was little already and I carried on the training by myself."

"Axe or sword?"

Sandra let out a short noise of amusement and leant over the table, her lips pursed into a lopsided duck mouth. "Do I look like I could fall in love with something other than an axe?" In a sweeping motion she brought her weapon out, thumped it down on the table. "Allow me to introduce you to The Dasher. Or Bob. Haven't decided yet."

Once again the dwarf lapsed into silence, just stared into her brown eyes with shrewd ones. Suddenly, however, he laugend out loud, letting his shoulders hop vigorously, with what some other dwarves around got infected, so that Sandra beamed even more. Mr. Erebor, his hands stemmed into the tabletop, stood up, pointed one finger at the young woman. "I like you, lass." Then to everybody around: "Who wants another mug of beer?"

Together with a dozen of dwarves the two women shouted: "ME!", whereupon Sandra frowned at Natalie. She just shrugged and murmured: "Integration."

Then the smaller one turned to Ori. "Hey Ori, could you transate what you wrote beneath that sketch for me?" Before he even had a chance to respond, she added wildly gesticulating: "You know what? I'll just come over to you." With these words she stood up, knocked her chair over, kicked it under the table and crawled after it. Until she reached the other side, the puzzled faces of the dwarves around were already directed at her, which she ignored completely and talked to Ori, who just smiled and nodded every now and then.

She only stopped to speak when Mr. Erebor, whose actual name appeared to be Dwalin, came back with the beer and all of them took a big swig from their mug. And many other mugs followed, while Sandra and Natalie told their ever-growing audience of their amusing experiences of the last weeks, making them laugh again and again.

"And then..." Natalie pressed the words out, making her by the alcohol already red head redden even more. "... then the dragon fleeeeew over us, the heat of his fire slapped my face like whooosh! But you know what the old fisherman did? Ever so calmly he fiiiiinally got up and yelled at Smaug: 'SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU STUPID ANIMAL, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A FUCKING NAP HERE!'"

Bawling went through the crowd of dwarves, some spat out their beer, some patted Natalie's shoulder, as she was practically lying on the table totally exhausted.

"My damn life was in danger and I couldn't stop laughing!", she panted, squeezing her hot cheek against the cool wood under her.

In the meantime her friend recounted her adventures during the battle for Dwalin and a few others, how she cleft an orc's head in two and cropped some other's limbs - she referred to that one as stumpy - making the dwarves cheer as well.

Only when someone named Bofur climbed on the table, they all detached their gaze from the odd women. Full of enthusiasm they looked up at him, listened as he made everybody in the hall sing with him, hammer their fists against the tabletop and laugh joyfully. When he finished, he bowed low and got rewarded with cheers. Especially Natalie appeared to be thoroughly excited about the performance, which she expressed shrieking. Then she opened her eyes widely and screamed: "Oh, oh, I also want to sing! I also want to sing!" There she already heaved herself onto the table, visibly having difficulties, at which she had to giggle, while Bofur helped.

"What is she doing?", Balin asked Sandra.

She simply shrugged, grinning. "I have noooo idea. She's never been that drunk!"

With raised hands the small one put her audience to silence. "I dunno if you know this song, but the guys in the tavern I used to work at aaaaaaaalways sang it.", she slurred. Once more she took in a deep breath and as she began to sing, she stomped her feet in time with the music, getting Bofur to do the same with glances.

_"No gold and only misfortune,_

_I'm tired and worn out,_

_A pathetic fool, an unsightly ghoul_

_know those calls inside out._

_So I visit the old landlord,_

_who's like family to me._

_His piece of advice is more than just nice_

_and I give it to thee:_

_FUCK IT AND DRINK_

_TAKE ANOTHER BEER, DON'T THINK_

_If wenches bug you and hard work does too_

_Then FUCK IT AND DRINK!_

_FUCK IT AND DRINK_

_TAKE ABOTHER BEER, DON'T THINK_

_Come on, friend, come on, I'll get you this one!_

_FUCK IT AND DRINK!"_

At the third chorus the entire hall eventually sang along, laughing, while Sandra had to wipe the tears from her bright red face, clutching her stomach, and when the song reached its climax, Natalie finally lost her balance, wildly waved her arms, fell off the table before Bofur could catch her and landed on the ground, which let both the bystanders and herself cheer of exhilaration again.


	4. Short Rest's Over

**Short Rest's Over**

Soft shaking would definitely not be enough.

Natalie had already stayed over at her best friend's place dozens, if not hundreds of times, therefore knew her sleep behaviour in and out. For instance, she knew that Sandra would only snore when she'd got a runny nose, which, strangely enough, happened to be the case quite often to always, or that if one woke her in the middle of the night and even had a conversation with her, she wouldn't remember the next morning, not in the slightest. And another Sandra's-sleep-fun-facts was that she was incredibly hard to wake, all the more if she'd been awake for so long like last night.

So Natalie, who'd gotten up already an hour ago, bent down to her companion now, watched her slumbering peacefully with a smile for one more moment and then covered both her nose and mouth with her hands. Suddenly, Sandra gave a light jerk, clumsily waving her arms, as she was struggling for air, whereupon Natalie removed her hands once again.

"Wake up.", she whispered in a soft tone, while her friend slowly lifted her lids. "We gotta go soon."

Bleary-eyed she looked at the smaller one. Question upon question rushed through her mind - What time was it? Why did they have to go already? Where could she do her morning business? - but at the moment she was still so tired, she wasn't able to utter a single one of them.

As soon as Natalie saw her counterpart's nod, she stood up and, again, attended to packing. Since she had expected her friend to forget about several items they had left here - not like her, Sandra was absolutely no early-morning person - she had collected her things at first, filling her backpack with it. Now she came to her own, which spread all across the bedroom that had been allocated to them, but were still easy to find due to Natalie's good memory. At home she'd constantly had to explain to her mother that she couldn't tidy her room, since she had her own system within that chaos and she wouldn't be able to find anything if nothing was in its usual place, but, as is so often the case, she didn't find understanding with that. All the more comfortable she'd felt here with the dwarves, who didn't give a damn about what she left where. However, they had to pursue their plan, had to go.

When Sandra gave her a nod, signifying to be ready for leaving, she handed the backpack to her friend, slipped into the diagonal belts of her own and quietly opened the door. Anxious for not making a sound while walking, Natalie led the two of them through this maze of corridors - Sandra was happy to have someone, who remembered ways perfectly after one inspection only, because without she would've been stranded in this damn labyrinth - to this vast hall at Erebor's entrance, through which they could see the hazy blue sky that wasn't touched by any sunlight yet.

"It's not even daytime!", Sandra complained croaking, especially as these were her first words of this morning. "Why are we leaving already?"

"Because I don't want to have to tell the dwarves where we're going exactly. You know why."

Yes, she did. She had taken care to not mention that the elvish woodland realm was their place of destination to Dwalin and the others as well.

"Besides...", Natalie continued in an embarrassed tone. "... it'd be totally awkward to see them now after how I behaved yesterday..."

The taller one giggled. "Oh yes, you were sooo drunk! Gotta say, though, that it actually wasn't too different from your usual behaviour."

Her friend pressed her lips together in an attempt to not grin, stubbornly staring straight ahead.

"But I can understand that you don't want to face Bofur after what you two did under the table." Sandra poked her companion into the side, smiling widely, letting her dark brows jump.

The small woman just took a deep breath, avoiding eye contact with the other one. "Weeee just made out a bit, that's all!"

"Yeah, yeah, sure."

Now, though, she did give her a look, a look of complete horror. "No, no, absolutely NO, don't give me that 'Yeah, yeah'-crap, you got that?!"

Sandra laughed. "Sorry, couldn't resist."

For one more moment, Natalie's eyes, narrowed to slits, kept fixing on Sandra's, before the brown-haired one turned forward again with her head held high. "Anyway, I would like to have reached the forest boundary at about noon. There we can have a really fat lunch at first, before heading for the Elvenking." Quickly she took out a piece of parchment, shortly inspected the lines on it and pocketed it again. "I just hope this map is at least halfway up to date. I mean, the archive there's certainly seen better days..."

Sandra frowned. "Where do you have this map from? I thought Balin didn't give you any yesterday."

"He didn't. I got this right after getting up today."

"You snitched it, right?"

"It's _borrowed_. But don't worry, I left a thank you note, in which I also wrote that Balin's so cute, I'd like to squeeze him into a gunnysack, so that he can't escape my hugs."

"A classic 'Natalie'." She smirked. "By the way, I'm surprised you were able to get up that early and think of all of that. Aren't you unwell from yesterday?"

Natalie let a laugh come out of her throat, which sounded nothing like mirth but despair. "Oh, I _am_ completely wasted! I'm simply trying to suppress it, so that we can proceed. But, actually, EVERY DAMN MOVE hurts, my throat aches, my head aches, my whole body is half-dead, thanks for asking. You know how I feel? Like back then, after this feast where we were dancing like crazy, remember?"

"Oh, yes, awful!" Her words were compassionate, though, her voice and her face were not, rather seemed amused, so that Natalie gave her one last faked angry look. "Sorry, but _you_'ve been so stupid to drink that many beers and now let _me_ have a fun with it!"

Stepping through this vast hole called gate, the fresh air came towards them instantly, let the skin on their faces tingle in a pleasant way.

"If I wasn't that dead, I'd certainly deliver a really epic speech about our final departure into the unknown now." The two friends exchanged a look, then Natalie sighed and, murmuring the words "Oh, screw it, let's just go...", marched off.


	5. Duck, Duck, Duck, Spider

**_Author's Note: Please forgive me this delay (again...). I have soo many stories I'm writing on at the moment. I simply don't know where to continue :/ Hope you're not mad at me? No? Okay, great, then JUST ENJOY NOW. We're_****_ finally in Mirkwood and as you can tell from the title... WE ARE NOT ALONE O.O_**

**_ R&amp;R pleeeease :))_**

* * *

**Duck, Duck, Duck, Spider**

Sandra observed a brief second's silence as her friend had demanded her to.

She was used to Natalie forming a certain emotional bond with pieces of furniture or other inanimate objects at times - when she, for instance, bumped a doorframe, she didn't swear like other people do, but apologised and sometimes put a hug on top of it if she was worried she'd injured it too badly. The fact that she treated her lunch almost like family was new to her, however. When grilling the sausages she had lifted from the dwarves one had started whistling, which Natalie, who wasn't nearly as experienced as her friend when it came to cooking, had apparently considered crying or screaming. A poor soul must be held captive in it, she said. That's why she insisted on paying her last respect to it by pausing for a moment before finally devouring it. Sandra had sighed in relief. She had almost thought Natalie would expect of her to generally refrain from eating the meal, but that was too crazy, even for her.

After lunch they went to the timber line as planned, where they stopped for a moment, exchanged a look in anticipation and subsequently entered. They kept to the forest river for their own safety, because, despite what other hikers may say, one could easily get lost without a fixed point of reference, even with a map.

"Look, there's another duck over there!", Natalie called out. It was the third one that had crossed their path within the hours they had spent here, although the others sported black, partially green feathering. This one had a plump one consisting of numerous shades of brown. "How are we gonna call this one?"

Sandra didn't answer right away as she wanted to catch up to her companion who was standing further ahead first. Uphill wasn't her friend at all. "Hm... It looks similar to Bard, a bit rundown but strong. Let's call it Bard."

"No, we can't do that. She's a girl."

"Oh, really? How would you know?"

Natalie raised a brow. "Concerning birds males are always prettier, are more colourful and stuff. It's so clear that you don't know that with your phobia. Are even afraid of reading up about them. Stay put, I gotta pee."

While her friend entered the thick wood, Sandra tried to pierce her with her glare, which didn't really work due to the inattention of the other.

"It's not a phobia!", Natalie, who'd finally found a suitable tree to do number one, heard her call after her. Laboriously rolling up and down her clothes respectively, so that she wouldn't wet them unintentionally, she listened to the dull voice of her companion with a smirk, shaking her head. "I am not afraid of birds. I simply have a healthy respect for them. And I find them disgusting. Quite rightly, though. NATALIE!"

Although she hadn't finished yet, the smaller one got dressed lightning-fast and ran off.

Reaching the river again, she spotted Sandra, who was stiff as a statue pointing at something, grimacing. At the streambank lay something that seemed like some abstract rock formation at the first look, but on a closer examination...

"Strike me pink... What a fat crab or insect or whatever this ought to be!", Natalie said in a cheerful tone and hopped straight up to it.

Sandra gave her a shocked look. "You won't touch it, will you?!"

Though, hardly had the words left her mouth, her friend already poked the animal a few times. "What's wrong with you? It's dead anyway."

"No, what's wrong with _you_? This thing is gross and _you_ touch it right away!"

The small one had her notebook whipped out in a matter of seconds and began to scribble into it with joy, inspecting the crab/insect from all sides. Its body was about one foot tall and protected by a robust, pale shell, the numerous legs were tucked up, as if it was hugging itself. "Don't tell me you're scared of creepy-crawlies as well."

"Again: I am not scared. But _this_, this fat thingamajig here, is just grooooss! And now stop pretending you don't feel that way too! You were the one urging to go sleep in your brother's room, when I stayed over with you, just because there was this big bug in your room!"

"That's an eternity ago.", Natalie defended herself, drawing the last lines for her sketch. "In case you didn't notice, beetles and stuff are no problem for me anymore, for years not. When I spot one at my place, I greet it politely and don't pay any attention to it again. Except it annoys me with buzzing, then I carefully pick it up and gently toss it out of the window."

"Gently toss?"

"Y'know what I mean, casually throwing."

"It's surely not as casual for them as you think."

She got up from squatting, eyeing the creature once more, before slowly turning to her friend. "Don't take that from me. I don't kill creepy-crawlies anymore. Just like this big one here they're also living be- GIANT SPIDER!"

Her scream made Sandra start with fright and spin around, whereby she could barely avoid the bite of the gigantic spider behind her. Immediately, Natalie yanked her, who just stared at the thing in front of her, completely perplexed, by her arm. The smaller one had drawn her sword, threateningly holding it out towards the spider, while letting loose some roaring sounds in hopes of scooing the critter away thereby. However, it had no effect.

The spider attacked again, like a unit the two of them dodged, shrieking.

"RUN!", Sandra screamed and shot ahead into the wood, her tight grip around her friend's wrist.

The hasty scuttling the spider legs created behind them was like whiplashes to the two of them, impelled them. As fast as their bodies allowed it they sprinted over the ground dotted with leaves, past trees, through the covert, not a clue whereto actually. But they couldn't care less at the moment. Away, simply away, was the name of the game. Natalie mentally thanked her friend for working on her dexterity the past weeks, since if she stumbled now, as so often in the past, slipped or simply fell, it'd be over with them.

As if she'd put the kiss of death on it, Sandra stumbled over her own feet, right after she'd leapt over a thick root, graceful like a roe, though, fortunately, didn't fall to the ground, but against the next tree that was covered in cobwebs. Swiftly, her companion helped her to free her from the sticky filaments. There the same scuttling, that had just haunted them, sounded from above. Natalie looked up shortly and spotted another giant spider, abseiling down to them, which even drove her otherwise useless left hand to a top performance. With a few last movements she tore Sandra away from the tree and they dashed off again, this time anxious to not touch the countless white structures.

As well as possible they tried to run in zigzags, hoped to confuse and outdistance those massive creepy-crawlies thereby and as by a miracle the scuttling became less and more and more quiet. Looking back, Natalie couldn't even spot a single one of them, which was why she motioned to her friend, whereupon they let themselves fall down behind a tree and hid beneath its roots that hung like a ledge over the ground wave they'd just jumped over.

Huddled, they only perceived their own panting and pulse that pounded in their ears for a few moments. Then Sandra whispered: "I thought such critters are no problem for you anymore, you hypocrite..."

Still out of breath, the smaller one looked at her with widened eyes. "You've got shit for brains or what?! Those were GIANT SPIDERS!", she spat as quiet as she could. "Whoever doesn't run away from that, is not normal!" She rubbed her face, tryed to calm her body down by taking a deep breath. Sandra followed suit.

"Are they gone now?"

"Dunno. Check it."

"Why me?"

"Because you asked."

"Oh no, that's not how it goes! Gimme your fist."

Natalie shifted to make space for their two fists.

"Rock, paper, scissors!"

Sandra grimaced as she saw Natalie's paper formation across from her rock fist.

"Ha!", the smaller one uttered and pointed up.

"All right... But in case I don't see anything, you gotta check again."

"Fair enough and now go."

Sandra took one more deep breath, gathered all her courage and let her head jolt up. As quick as it was there, it went down again.

"And?"

"You gotta check. T'was too short, everything was blurry."

Another look of indignation was shot at her. "This is not what we agreed on!"

"We didn't discuss how long I have to look."

Just like her narrowed eyes Natalie's lips formed a straight line, which didn't seem to intimidate her friend and she gave in reluctantly. "All right then..." She sighed and got on her knees. "But just to clarify matters: You're a dud."

Other than her companion the small one stretched as slowly as possible in order to not rouse anything unnecessarily. Trembling, she looked around in that dark forest, though, even after a few moments she couldn't realise any danger and sat down, just as cautious as earlier. "Nothin'."

Sandra let out a sigh of relief, leant back, her eyes closed, while her friend rummaged about her coat and fetched the map.

"Do you have an idea how far we ran?"

A weak head-shaking was the only response she received.

"Hm..." Pensively, the smaller one studied the lines before her eyes. "I think we ran in this direction. Well, on the whole at least. Considering our speed and the time we spent running, then w-"

She choked on her words, as she suddenly got yanked forwards. With widened eyes, Sandra barely managed to grab her friend's hands, while the huge spider, who'd rammed its fangs into Natalie's shank, kept tearing at her.

"IT WANTS TO EAT ME! IT WANTS TO EAT ME! KILL IT! HACK IT TO DEATH!", she yelled and Sandra tightened her grip to not let go unwittingly. Back and forth she looked between her hands and the axe on her back in desperation. She wasn't sure if she should grab her weapon, if one of her arms spent enough strength against this beast, but she wouldn't be able to remain that way for hours as well. What was she supposed to do? She absolutely had no clue and Natalie's screeches didn't make thinking easier.

Out of nowhere one of the animal's many eyes got gored by an arrow, the pressure on Natalie's leg ceased and both of them bobbed up, whereby they shrieked again at at the sight of all the other approaching spiders. Paralysed by fear they didn't budge, simply clutched each other and watched in astonishment, as one creature after the other got caught by blades and arrows. The long-haired figures moved so gallantly and fast over both the branches of the trees and the ground that it was hardly discernable how they acoomplished the killing exactly, but that wasn't relevant. At the moment the two women weren't able to think straight anyway.

Only when all of those creepy-crawlies were dead or fled, the two dared to exhale.

"Oh dearie me!", Natalie laughed, panting. "And I thought this would be our-"

There douzens of arrowheads were held in front of her and Sandra, which again conjured a horrified expression to the taller one's face.

Natalie seemed rather surprised than shocked. "Well... Shit."


End file.
